Why Does Being Perceived Feel So Hard?

Understanding the Discomfort of Visibility, Observation and Self-Consciousness

For many autistic and other neurodivergent people, there is a particular kind of discomfort that comes with being perceived.

It’s a deep awareness of being noticed, interpreted, observed, evaluated, or emotionally “read” by another person.

It can show up in surprisingly ordinary moments:

• Someone watching while you cook

• Someone listening while you work

• Having people in your home

• Being asked personal questions

• Receiving compliments

• Being on camera

• Someone standing too close while you complete a task

• Posting online and knowing people are viewing it

• Hearing footsteps nearby while trying to concentrate

• Feeling unable to relax when another person is in the room

  
  

For some neurodivergent people, even positive attention can feel physically uncomfortable.

And importantly, this is not always about low self-esteem, trauma, or “not liking people.”

Often, it is about nervous system load.

The constant awareness of the self

Many neurodivergent people experience a heightened awareness of themselves in relation to other people.

There can be an ongoing internal monitoring process:

• Am I reacting correctly?

• Is my face right?

• Am I talking too much?

• Too little?

• Am I being weird?

• Do I look awkward?

• Have I misunderstood?

• Are they judging me?

• Am I fidgeting too much?

• Do they think I’m rude?

• What version of me are they seeing?

  
  

For people who have spent years knowingly and unknowingly masking, adapting, or trying to avoid social rejection, being perceived can feel deeply unsafe.

Many neurodivergent adults grew up receiving direct or indirect messages that the way they naturally moved, spoke, expressed emotion, communicated, or regulated themselves was “wrong.”

Over time, this can create hypervigilance around visibility itself.

Being seen starts to feel risky.

Masking and the exhaustion of performance

A large part of this experience is often connected to masking.

Masking is the process of consciously or unconsciously suppressing natural behaviours and replacing them with socially acceptable ones. It can include:

• Monitoring facial expressions

• Rehearsing conversations

• Forcing eye contact

• Hiding stims

• Matching other people’s tone or energy

• Carefully scripting responses

• Performing interest or emotional reactions

• Constantly editing yourself in real time

  
  

When somebody is alone, the mask may partially drop.

When somebody enters the room, the nervous system can instantly shift into performance mode again.

Even around trusted people.

This is why some neurodivergent people experience immense relief when they are finally alone. It is not necessarily because they dislike others. It is because solitude can be the only place where full nervous system unmasking becomes possible.

The sensory and cognitive load of “another mind”

There is also a cognitive aspect that often goes unrecognised.

Another person’s presence creates additional information to process:

• Facial expressions

• Tone shifts

• Body language

• Social expectations

• Predicting reactions

• Interpreting meaning

• Managing responses

• Navigating uncertainty

  
  

For lots of us, this processing is not automatic. It is active work.

Even silent company can therefore consume energy.

This is one reason some neurodivergent people struggle to complete tasks while being observed. The brain is no longer only doing the task. It is simultaneously managing social processing.

Why compliments and praise can feel uncomfortable

People are often confused when we seem uncomfortable with praise.

But compliments can increase the feeling of being visible.

Suddenly, attention is focused directly onto the self.

Some people experience this as exposure rather than affirmation.

Others worry that praise creates future expectations:

• What if I can’t repeat this?

• What if they now expect more from me?

• What if they have misunderstood who I really am?

  
  

Again, this is rarely about being ungrateful.

Often, it is about overwhelm.

So now what?

Right now, it might just be enough to learn that this is a thing a lot of neurodivergent folk struggle with, and just having an understanding and a normalising of these feelings and experiences is enough. 

However, if you would like to make changes in this area, here are some things that might help. 

Practice - practising increasing our tolerance to the discomfort of being perceived, might mean taking a small step to try something that might make us feel a bit uncomfortable. When we try that small step and nothing bad happens, we start to trust that we are safe. 

Communication - finding ways of communicating our needs to those around us, so the demands of proximity and perception are lessened, can be a real help. We might need to talk to or write to people in our lives and say things like… It’s really hard for me to do xyz when you do xyz. What I need is xyz. Is that something you could do?

Here’s a real example from my life. “I need to go and make a video, can you either go out, or pretend that I am not making a video and don’t comment on anything you hear”

Self-compassion - change is hard, being neurodivergent in a largely unaccepting world is hard. Go gently with these things and give yourself grace for not being perfect. 

Support - I think it’s really important to find someone who can help us unpack and try some of the above. A really great neuroaffirming, neurodivergent therapist can be really helpful. We can gently explore our history of self-abandonment, disconnection, masking and trauma. We need support to work through perfectionism, internalised ableism and how to own and communicate our needs to others.

I would love to know your thoughts and experiences of being perceived. What helps you? By Aims Walters